Sitting in the dark.
Alone with my thoughts and a Christmas tree overflowing with gifts for and from loved ones, I smile. 
How beautiful the tree looks.
How lucky we are.
I am the essence of dichotomy. I am hypocrisy. I am light and darkness, just like my living room.
I am wearing reindeer antlers, trimmed in feathers and sequins, and sparkly snowflake earrings. Yet I am all alone.
I am grateful for so many things.
Just thinking about them all makes my heart swell. 
But if I’m honest…
I am angry about so many things.
It also makes my heart yell.
I am focused on the blessings and the positivity and the people and the future.
I hide my sorrows under Christmas bows and tuck them away under patterned paper. When I feel their familiar tug, I bake more cookies.
And I try so hard not to let the madness return. I try not to worry. Not to wonder. Not to dwell.
Yet…
I find myself going madder moment by moment. Clinging to the memory of good times by a thread. If only to put on a brave face for my daughter.
I am a pendulum.
A moment of bliss. A moment of fear. A moment of happiness. A moment of tears. A moment of excitement. A moment of dread. A moment of energy. A moment where I feel dead.
A moment of…what’s next?
A moment of….can this all be over now?
A moment of….this is the last time she will….
A moment of….how? How?!?! HOW!!!!!!????
And so it goes. And so it has been since March 2020. 
I am curious combination of light and darkness. And those who know me, see me. 
And those who don’t, don’t.
By: Melanie Heard
