Christmas, 2021 (musing)

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Sitting in the dark.

Alone with my thoughts and a Christmas tree overflowing with gifts for and from loved ones, I smile.

How beautiful the tree looks.

How lucky we are.

I am the essence of dichotomy. I am hypocrisy. I am light and darkness, just like my living room.

I am wearing reindeer antlers, trimmed in feathers and sequins, and sparkly snowflake earrings. Yet I am all alone.

I am grateful for so many things.

Just thinking about them all makes my heart swell.

But if I’m honest…

I am angry about so many things.

It also makes my heart yell.

I am focused on the blessings and the positivity and the people and the future.

I hide my sorrows under Christmas bows and tuck them away under patterned paper. When I feel their familiar tug, I bake more cookies.

And I try so hard not to let the madness return. I try not to worry. Not to wonder. Not to dwell.

Yet…

I find myself going madder moment by moment. Clinging to the memory of good times by a thread. If only to put on a brave face for my daughter.

I am a pendulum.

A moment of bliss. A moment of fear. A moment of happiness. A moment of tears. A moment of excitement. A moment of dread. A moment of energy. A moment where I feel dead.

A moment of…what’s next?

A moment of….can this all be over now?

A moment of….this is the last time she will….

A moment of….how? How?!?! HOW!!!!!!????

And so it goes. And so it has been since March 2020.

I am curious combination of light and darkness. And those who know me, see me.

And those who don’t, don’t.

By: Melanie Heard